Taking the good with the bad

I have good days and bad days. Sometimes I am irritable and moody. There is no predictability about it. I am not a machine and have been unable to sit and do question after question after question after question. Today I am feeling particularly discouraged. Then I feel guilty because I am just not always this constant stream of optimism especially when faced with the number of study days I have left.

There is so much pressure on me right now. I just don’t know when nor how it is going to lift off of me. Studying for this test with the heightened pressure of passing, places me in this weird space and time. I feel guilty if I am out enjoying myself. I feel awful if I am not constantly thinking about lab values, interventions, or medications. I still wish that I could just stow myself away in some far away cabin and live and breathe NCLEX up until the test date. But, this is simply not my reality. I have a very, very high maintenance family. In addition to have an adolescent, my husband is a foreigner plagued with his own issues of adapting to American culture, learning English, and trying to find a place for himself here. He relies so much on me to help interpret, assist with employment searches, directions (he is always getting lost), and anything else that you can imagine. To his credit, he played a similar role when I lived in his country the first few years of our marriage. So, this is me returning the favor. Unfortunately, I need a vacation from this role while I am trying to study for this exam. I cannot be superwoman these days.

But he more than anyone knows that there is so much riding on me passing this exam. He knows that amid many things our future economic security is tied into me passing this exam.

My foul mood got set off when I accessed my friend’s online test preparation this morning and did a 150 exam. I got 58%. It was the first time since I have started studying again that I have sat down to answer so many questions without accessing the immediately rationales. In tradition of the NCLEX, I had no idea how I was doing until I finished the exam and saw my score. I have no idea what the correct answers and rationales for them where because it never offered them. So, that sucked! Seeing that 58% made me feel really crappy.

I have to find a way to lower my anxiety levels. I am learning a lot. I do know more than I knew the first time around. The first time around I had no idea what to expect. None whatsoever. I went into the exam with serious knowledge gaps. I am much better on content than I was the first time around, however I do recognize that I still have a long way to go. My friend—the only other person in the world who I know is taking the NCLEX—is already registered with Pearson Vue took a look at the local testing schedule. I have to test by May 26th. I wanted to know what the calendar looks like because I am not going to be able to pay for the darn test until the first of May. I am concerned that the dates might get booked up. There is only one testing center for miles and miles around. I’d have to travel to another state to take it if I cannot get the date I need. Of course this can change at any moment, but as of today there is testing appointments available on the 20th and the 26th of May. Now, I do not think that it would be wise to take it on the 26th—my last day of eligibility simply because anything could go wrong. If there was a fire or the computer stopped working, it’s not like they could say come back tomorrow. Or could I still test, since it was not my fault? I don’t know.

So, it looks like the 20th is the last possible available date before the last day of my eligibility (as of today).

After taking the practice exam, I came across the first hand account of a woman who took the NCLEX six times and passed on the sixth try. Oh my gosh, I am so happy for her! But I do not want to go through this six damn times. I cannot imagine the resolve that she must’ve had in order to keep picking herself back and keep pressing forward. At some point she did have the luxury of quitting her job and solely concentrating on passing. Although she did not specifically pinpoint what it was that helped her pass the sixth time, I am certain that it was just willpower and drive. I suppose that if push came to shove, I would be just like her and keep at it until I passed.

However, let me state here and now that I am not trying to go for six times. I believe that I am going to pass this time. I say that half heartedly really, because I was all on the positive thinking kick the last time and it did not get me a passing score. I remember that one of my better nursing professors told me that “chance favors a prepared mind.” So, I am going to run with that mixed in with being positive.

I know that I sound like a commercial or something, but I believe that Kaplan is the best test prep for me. So, although I cannot truly afford this $418 that I am about to spend . . . I am going to pay for it. I make decisions not always on what is the most logical (you can’t afford it so don’t buy it), but based on my gut-feeling. My feeling is telling me that I can pay for this again and go through the entire package in order to make it worth my money.

I need to calm down on this high-strung do or die energy. I’m too old for this crap. So, while I am putting my best foot forward I am doing research to learn if I can indeed apply for licensure by examination through another state if I was unsuccessful at licensure by examination through another one. I would also like to know which states have unlimited testing, quick results, and are apart of the compact states. Although I am from the state that I applied through and my parents still live there, I have no plans of returning there to work despite my wayward fantasies of working in a gritty urban emergency room.

I feel like I am giving myself permission to fail on some level. It is really not that. When I say that I believe that I am going to pass . . . the truth is that I do not know. I have absolutely no idea and I refused to set myself up for that fall. My mother still does not know—or has not said anything to me—that I do not have my nursing license. See, I told everyone that I had passed (kind of like naming and claiming it shortly after testing). Truth was, I had no idea if I had passed or not. But I could not stomach the thought that I had traveled so far to take an exam only to fail it. It was a nauseating though. In the end, I just could not bring myself to tell my mother that I did not pass. I just told two of my closest friends the truth instead.

So, I am not giving myself permission to fail as much as I am trying deflating the power that this test has over my spirit right now. The NCLEX is the end all, be all in that I have to take it to become an RN (real nurse) in the States—not in its territories though. But it is not the end all in that I am going to die if I don’t take it and will be left without any recourse or remediation.

So, how much time do I have left to study? I can say that I have a good six weeks left. Provided that May 20th test date is still available.

Sunday Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday
5 6 7 8 9 10 11
12 13 14 15 16 17 18

19 20 21 22 23 24 25
26 27 28 29 30 1 (May) 2
3 4 5 6 7 8 9
10 11 12 13 14 15 16
17 18 19 20 21 22 23
24 25 26

I already did 150 questions today. For the rest of the day, I will reread the NCLEX examination guide and maybe do some psych questions. I have an exam tomorrow for my graduate class, so at some point I should stop fussing over the NCLEX and get myself prepared for that.

Found, another NCLEX taker

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Today was April Fool’s Day, but there were no practical pranks or jokes for me. It was a really good day for me! I met another woman studying for this exam—a second time around test taker. We decided to form a study group, just her and I. We met through a mutual friend. I was hoping to share some of my materials with her, but she really did not need any of the material I had because she has a phenomenal library and access to good reference and study materials.

We were not quite sure how to study together, but set some goals for our first upcoming meeting that include lab value review and disease review. I suspect that I may have more riding on this test than she does, because she does not necessarily have any immediate plans to work in the field of nursing. But if she is willing to meet and discuss content material, then I believe that it will be an enriching experience for us both. She also has access to an online test prep service and offered to let me use it. I had never heard of it before, but while doing an internet search I found many online comments from former users. Many posed the question if it is an actual indicator for NCLEX success rates. She also gave me an audio NCLEX review. I have one to some extent, but this one is different. They read the question and the answers, offer the answer, and the rationales. That might not be very effective for me because while I do like audio content review listening to questions and picking out possible answers might feel like too much work. After all, I am going to be reading the question on this exam.

Today, before I met her. I called the State Nursing Board in a desperate attempt to find out if this was truly my very last attempt to take the test with the State. I explained that although there is a 3-year open application limit that my application was not actually complete until 2007, as opposed to 2006when I initially applied because I was still paying off my nursing education debt and the university refused to send my transcript to the nursing board. So, therefore the 3-year rule should not apply to me.

An impatient customer service representative flatly told me that the state starting counting from the date the application was received as opposed to the date it was complete. She said to take the exam and pass it by my last eligibility date or go back to school or apply through another state. That really ticked me off: “go back to school” but I ignored it. Instead, I asked her if there was an appellate process for special cases. She put me on hold to confer with someone and returned with the same prognosis. I then asked to speak with someone who was in a position to make decisions and she transferred me but cautioned that the woman she was transferring me to rarely takes calls. So, why are you transferring me then!? The woman did in fact pick up and she basically explained to me the exact same thing, but with a bit more patience. She explained that the legislature changed the law effective 2009. “At first there were no limits, but then we had people who were ten years out of school still registering and re-registering to take licensure exams. So, now you have to take the exam, according to your profession, within two years of graduation. You happen to be over that with nearly three years out of school, but if you pass your exam you can still get licensed through us,” she said.

I thanked her for her time and willingness to listen and she quickly got off the phone. They must have to attend to loads of hopeful applications filled with test anxiety. So, as if it was not settled before. This test is do or die! Damn, I hate to have my back up against the wall, but this is just they way it has to be.

I am not going to beat myself up about it. Things just unfolded the way they did. There is no use in crying over spilled milk. No one is crying anyway. I am feeling hopeful.

I read a few journal articles, went through nursing fundamental questions, some pediatrics and maternal/newborn. I logged onto her online site to check it out. I just had time enough to go through one subject area. I was trying to see if my pending Kaplan subscription is necessary after all. I am desperately trying to see if I can save myself $418 or not. I came away feeling like Kaplan still would be another good investment.

I definitely did my 100 questions today. I am going to do some more before crashing. I worked really hard today.

Feeling anxious

I am feeling anxious about my upcoming test. I do not feel as though I have been studying as hard and as focused as I could be. I continue to study at home. Believe it or not, it is my husband that distracts me the most not our son. Nevertheless, I still have some serious knowledge gaps that need to be addressed. On a positive note, I definitely understand much more than I did when I first took the exam. If my memory serves me correctly, I think that I was simply answering questions. Serious content comprehension eluded me. I mean, I understood many things but not as much as I could.

My anxiety comes when I think about what will happen to me if I do not pass the exam. How will I be able to pick myself up off the floor? Where would I get the nerve to start studying again? It took me a year and half to registered for this damn test again after the first failed attempt. If it had not taken so long to get re-registered, perhaps I might have at least another attempt under my belt but as of this coming May I will have maxed out my three years from the date of my original application, so this is my last testing opportunity with this particular State.

I know that I should not think about it that way, but I cannot emotionally afford to fall with a great impact. I simply cannot afford to fail this exam. I should have the most positive mindset possible. But I had one the last time and look at where that got me. It is completely normal that I would feel nervous and extremely intimidated (and angry too because we were not taught all this stuff in nursing school!). Anxiety related to NCLEX! This is a kick-ass exam.

Well, let me stop my bitching and moaning. I can pull myself together. I have a month and a half to get myself as prepared as possible. One thing I have noticed with the practice questions I have been doing is that when you know the answer because you have a good grip on the content, the other answers appear to be absolutely ridiculous. Caution though, this can be a two-edge sword. Sometimes you know the answer so much and that you can misread the question. For example, it might say “except” or “needs further instruction” which entirely changes the type of answer you are looking for.

What am I doing to study?

• Reading nursing journals, particularly issues of “Nursing Made Incredibly Easy”
• Reading Frye’s 3,300 Bullets (excellent book!)
• Answering questions on flashcards

I prefer the flashcards because I do not sitting at the computer answering hundreds at a time. The flashcards I can answer while I am sitting in the car waiting or laying down. The books are often times structured in such a way that to get the correct answer you have to constantly flip pages, except Saunders. With Saunders the answer is right there, but I found that I had to use stick notes to cover up the answers ahead of time because my eye had a tendency to wander and glance at the answer while I was still reading the question. But, I do not have that problem with the flashcards. They are just more convenient for me. Problem is, there are not many updated flashcards out. I have using Springhouse and Saunder’s Q and A in the blue box. The newest Q and A edition, colored-orange does not have flashcards available yet.

Throughout the month of April or perhaps early May, I am going to start to build up my resistance. When I took the NCLEX the first time, I felt like I was just melting inside the testing center. I think that it had to do with three factors: (1) I did not know the answers to many of the questions; (2) I had always studied in “study mode”. Meaning that I answer the question, but the answer appears on the screen shortly thereafter. Like the flashcards (I just flip over the card). Instant gratification; and (3) I was just too anxious! So, when the test shut down at 75 it was more than a gift to me because I would’ve lost it if I had to go all the way to 265. It would’ve been more than I could handle.

So, when I say building up my resistance I am thinking about daily runs to 75-265 questions in “test mode” without answers and rationales until the end. This is to say that my honeymoon with my flashcards may be over soon.

Finally, I need to make a decision as to how to best spend my last available resources on test preparation material. A former classmate of mind said that she passed the exam with Saunder’s alone. Another one reported using Kaplan, NCBSN, among other materials. I am thinking about paying for Kaplan online $418. Now, this would be the second time that I will have paid for Kaplan. I did not use it for the first test but paid for it shortly after I failed and was supposed to be preparing for the second test. It was a waste of my money, because I halfheartedly studying with it. They were even nice enough to extend it for me a second time free of charge and I did the same thing, just blew off the opportunity.

Okay, so why invest in Kaplan a second time? There are some other books/resources that I could buy that would be less expensive than that. For example, I could definitely use a book on delegation, some pharmacology flashcards, and a book on ECG. I also saw a visual pathophysiology book that looks interesting as well.

From what I saw, it just seems like a good test preparation tool. Now, because things are tight for me economically I will ask myself some serious questions as to if I feel this is the absolutely best route (you know play devil’s advocate). But I really feel like Kaplan is the route and so far I have been on target as far as identifying the correct tools I need to prepare. The visual aides have been of an enormous help by making the test jump off the page for me. It makes things click for me.

Out of a job

Life is always full of surprises and today failed to be no different. I lost my job today. I was informed that they are not sure how a provisional license in nursing, which is what I have, will work with their accrediting body. I worked in telephone nursing. They did not exactly come out and say that I was being let go, rather they needed to get clarification on the law and would get back with me. I took it to mean that I was being let go.

I live in an US territory. Here, just like every other state, they have there own nursing board. This board allows for an immediate provisional nursing license and three exam attempts. So, you can work in a hospital or any other facility for close to a year without having taken this exam. The nursing licensure exam is not the NCLEX, but one they have developed. It is only offered three times a year and costs about $34 to take. It is purported to be way easier than the NCLEX. Since October, I had been working here on a provisional license as a nurse in and out of hospitals.

I did not like hospital nursing here because nurses are assigned as many as 20-40 patients. The people you work with eat you alive. I could give you a million reasons why you would never want to be hospitalized here. So, I was eager as hell to get out of the hospital.

I decided to take the loss of my job as a sign, a good one, that what I really need is to invest my time and mental energies in studying for the NCLEX and finishing my graduate degree here. It also more than ever stresses the fact that I need permanent licensure more than anything. I am not feeling as sad as I thought I would about the loss of my job. It was a relatively easy one, it paid well as far as nursing jobs go, and it got me out of the hospital. However, I had been racking my brain like crazy as to how I was going to juggle so many competing roles.

My ex co-workers asked me if I would return after nursing exam. I take the NCLEX in May, but their nursing exam is in June. I said “No”. There is absolutely no reason to return there. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t feel like I was shafted or anything. I am simply going to put all my effort into finishing my degrees as soon as possible so that I can leave here. I moved here to specifically attend this university and once I finish I would like to leave as soon as possible.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Sunday, March 1, 2009
Day 1, not really . . . but let’s just call it that

My NCLEX exam is going to be scheduled for sometime in May. My last date of eligibility is May 26, 2009. I have decided to take the exam sometime a week before this date to be on the safe side. Just in case I arrive at the testing site and find that they are closed for some emergency and my test has to be rescheduled. I just want to make certain that there is sufficient time between my actual testing date and eligibility date. I am probably just being paranoid, but I feel like I need to think about things like this.

My study plan is not a particularly formal one. It consists of knowledge deficits and reinforcements that I know I need. In between all of this, I have to find time to be a mother, wife, work, and take my graduate classes. “Overwhelmed” is an understatement, but I truly believe that I am going to pass this time. Why? Because I am going to do everything possible to prepare myself for a passing score. Not just that but things are different from the first time I took the test.

For example:

1. I have three months of medical-surgical hospital staff nurse experience under my belt. It’s not a lot, but it is extremely significant in that the medication names are not all like Chinese to me as they were before. Also, there are procedures like blood transfusion, central lines, narcotics, etc. that I now have a visual reference of what they look like and the procedures involved. These are experiences that I never had in nursing school.
2. I have six months of nurse midwifery graduate school completed. This means that even if I got every other question wrong, there is no way that at the very least that I would get the maternity health questions wrong. I pray that the exam gives me lots of those questions.
3. This is my last chance to take this exam! Fear is a BIG motivator. My thesis advisor explained to me that it took her 10 years to complete her PhD. She said that she was sputtering along, but it was not until she received a letter from the University indicated that she only had X amount of time to complete it (or of course all her time and effort would be lost) did she finally pull things together and get it completed.

Last time when I studied, my goal was doing 100 questions a day. This was the advice given to me by my former classmates who had taken and passed the exam. I achieved that for the most part. Some days, I only answered 75 or 90 questions. There were many days where I answered well-above 100. It all depended on what I had going on that particular day. Nevertheless, I did answer a lot of questions.

I can admit now that my problem was that I did not always understand the answers. So, I need to invest some serious time in content review. I also fell terribly short on pharmacology, respiratory and metabolic imbalances, cardiology, and developmental theories like those of Piaget.

My study plan is to come at this like a gorilla-war. That’s a funny expression, I know. But it is the only way I can think to describe my study plan. I am not simply answering 100 questions a day. I also have:
• Audio content review on my MP3 player
• Illustrated books and flip cards that help me to visualize content
• Nursing journals, particularly “Nursing Made Incredibly Easy” whose articles I review frequently. These journals are available online as well. I just ordered Nursing2009 and am awaiting the first issue.
• Reread Nursing Medical-Surgical textbook cover-to-cover
• Questions and studying their rationales

I will continue to answer 100 questions a day. I find the question flashcards particularly helpful. We have a desktop and it is not always practical for me to sit before the computer screen with the CD-ROM clicking and answering questions. The flashcards are portable. I can answer questions while lying in bed, while waiting in the card, on my lunch break at work, or any other time where I have some minutes to spare.

I also feel as though I need to actively look for more question sources. Meaning, I am finding eerie similarities between the Saunders, Mosby, and Lippincott, Williams, and Wilkins. I suspect that they are all owned by the same parent company. So, my advice to anyone reading this and currently studying for this exam would be to use these publications, but to also actively search questions outside of them as well. You may want to try NCBSN’s Online NCLEX-RN review or Kaplan Q-Bank. Once I exhaust all the questions I currently have at hand, I may explore those other question sources.

These study techniques take into the account that I utilize all my senses to learn. It depends but at times I can grasp certain content quicker if I am listening to it, looking at pictures that explain it, or reading it. Of times, there is no particular logic to it. It just depends. So, I am working on covering all of those bases during my studies to make certain that at the very least the information enters.

I think that diet, exercise, and stress levels have everything to do with how we live our lives. Up until this point, I have failing grades in all three areas. My life has been so hectic that I am always a sneeze away from a nervous breakdown with going to graduate school full-time, working full-time, and my household responsibilities. We often times eat on the go and do not include exercise as apart of our normal, everyday schedule.

I do not know what type of changes I am going to make, but I am going to try to improve my diet, exercise, and decrease my stress levels over the next three months. I will definitely start taking my daily vitamin and mineral supplement, whose bottle is just sitting in a cabinet.

I tried taking Ginseng and Ginkoboloba thinking that it would improve my memory and stamina (energy levels). About a week or so into this therapy, I began to experience vertigo. I felt as though if I stood up, I would just fall down and die. I stopped taking them and the vertigo subsided. So, no herbal aides for me. I am just going to have to go after this the old fashion way.

Writing this blog helps to relieve stress. There isn’t anyone that I know who is currently actively studying who I can identify with except for the people who post on www.allnursing.com. It is a lone process. My husband listens, but he does not really understand. He does figure that it must be a difficult test if I did not pass after all the study I did the last time. I told him that this time I would be doubling that study time.

There is a park nearby my house where my husband goes to play basketball. They have a walking track. I think that I will go with him, walk, and listen to my MP3 play simultaneously.

Refocusing

More than a year has passed since I took and failed the NCLEX, November 2007 to be exact. I recently found out from the State Nursing Board that I HAVE to take it by May or I lose my application, fee, and the chance of becoming a registered nurse by testing in the State. So, faced with this, I have no choice but to pull myself together and get moving. Right?

I felt motivated at first and still do to a certain extent, but the pressure upon me now feels unsurmontable. I have just let two weeks slip by without any real effort to study. To be honest, life is really kicking my butt now and I have to admit that I feel somewhat depressed.

My family is being seriously affected by the country's economic crisis. The bills just keep piling up. On top of that I just feel completely overwhelmed with all the responsibilities before me. I wish I could just row my boat and books out to some far away island, fish for food, swim, and study day and night until my test date. Unfortunately, the life of a wife, mother, and graduate student (with graduate courses and clinical practice hours) simply does not permit one to stow herself away. Somehow, some kind of way I have to pull myself together. I have to pull myself together.

I do know that I cannot study very well in the house unless no one is there or everyone is sleep. So, for these past two weeks I allowed myself to be sabotaged by not leaving the house for the library to study. I simply lay in bed half-answering questions and being interrupted every five minutes with this and that.

Today I have found my way to the library--which is very good--however, I am sitting here blogging before making my way over to the nursing collection to read the medical surgical textbooks and see if anything new as far as NCLEX review/questions has arrived. I know that I need a plan, even if I do not follow it minute-by-minute I know that I need something in writing and something structured.

I will try not to be too hard on myself for blogging because I know that I need an outlet. I only know one other person that is studying for the NCLEX and he is doing it half-heartily. It's like a hobby that he picks up every now and then. For me, it feels like do or DIE. So, blogging helps to reduce my stress and keep my thoughts organized. Okay, so what is my plan? I'll get to that in a minute.

I recently purchased "Mosby's Pharmacology Memory NoteCards: Visual, Mnemonic, and Memory Aids for Nurses". This is a flip notebook of sorts that reviews pharmacology for nurses. There is also one for Assessment, Fluids & Electrolytes, and Pathophysiology. This was incredibly helpful for me. I always knew that I was a visual learner. There does not appear to be a concrete pattern to it, somethings just enter my brain easier through different channels. I am also listening to an audio NCLEX content review on my Blackberry. So impressed was I by these visual aids that I ordered some more references and am awaiting their arrival by post.

They are:
-Visual Nursing: A Guide to Diseases, Skills, and Treatments
-Illustrated Study Guide for the NCLEX-RN Exam
-Memory Notebook of Nursing: A Collection of Visual Images and Mnemonics to Increase Memory and Learning
-Memory Notebook of Nursing, Vol. 2
-Mosby's Fluids & Electrolytes with Clinical Applications: A Programmed Approach

I do not have any money to pay for a good Medical/Surgical textbook yet. This area I feel is my weakness, along with pharmacology.

I do have Saunder's the third edition. I am thinking of buying the Saunders Q & A Review for the NCLEX-RN® Examination, 4th edition as well as investing in either Kaplan and/or NCBSN NCLEX review to expand my question database.

Okay considering that I have about 9 weeks to take this exam, this is how I am going to tackle my preparation for it:

Each day I am going to review content. I feel like I need to dedicate myself to 3-5 hours of content review and 3-5 hours of answering questions. Sounds crazy doesn't it? In other words, I am going to spend 8 hours daily studying for this exam. It is a job for me. There are no days off.

Now, part of these hours could be that I am walking in the local park while listening to the content or transporting husband and child back and forth to work and school.

As far as the number of questions, some former classmates of mine, who have passed the NCLEX, reported that 100 questions a day was more than enough. I will set that as my very minimum, meaning that I have to reach that at the very least. If I can push on and do more than I will.

I think that this is the plan that I will stick with. I won't consider my blogging as apart of my study regime of course :-).

Last time I used a lot of visualization/metaphysical attraction and stuff like that. I failed. It could not have been for lack of faith. I don't know if I am going to go down that road again. I will be sending off lots of positive energy and remain prayerful.

Questions???

Right now I am trying to work up some courage to set a new testing date. I log on to Pearson Vue as if I am going to pay my $200 again but then wind up wimping out. Why?

I am just not sure which date I am striving for. March? June? The test is expensive which means flying somewhere. There is so much riding on this test and I need to be smart about this.

Will I be ready in one month's time to take this test? This is a time that I will have available to fly out. Or, should I just keep sputtering along and wait to take it in June? That is another time when I will be free to take it. Questions, questions, questions.

Starting over

This is my second day home from work sick. I already called off again for tomorrow. Aside from my aches and pains, a great deal of it is mental fatigue. I am tired!

I did not pass my NCLEX exam. This news came after I had already named it and claimed it and told the whole wide world I had. Talk about stepping out on faith and falling. I was absolutely crushed and way too embarrassed to recall the email except for two people—my biggest cheerleaders.

Crushed is an absolute understatement. I was floored. The wind had been knocked out of me. I just knew that I had it in the bag. No one could tell me that I did not study. I did. More so than anything I answered questions over and over and over again.

Once the computer shut off at 75 I was relieved as hell. Those questions were tough. I was practically squirming in the seat, praying for strength, and constantly monitoring the question numbers until I reached 75. I was delighted it cut off then because I did not know how much more punishment I could take. I might’ve died if I had to test all the way to 265. So, when it did cut off at 75 I was just as surprised as relieved. I left the testing center feeling lighter on my feet, but not having the slightest idea how it went for me. Not being one to be negative . . . I needed to believe that I had passed and the celebrations began.

The day that I returned to work, the Monday after Thanksgiving, I logged onto the Pearson Vue website for the unofficial quick results and saw the word fail “fail”. I just kept looking at the computer screen because it was so unbelievable. “There must be some mistake. Especially since they are unofficial results and all,” I kept saying to myself. There’s no way in the world I could’ve gone through all of that and failed that test. Well, that is exactly what happened.

My co-workers inquired about my results. “Oh, they haven’t come in yet,” I said.

In desperate need of advice, I contacted a former classmate who admitted in a group email that he failed it once too. He said two things that I have taken to heart: (1) take a small break studying again; and (2) change the way you study. In other words, do not do the same thing you did before. Made since to me.

Since the end of November 2007 until the second week in January, I have done no NCLEX studying. I have moaned a bit at the thought of starting that crap (studying) all over again.

My former classmate warned me against thinking that with Kaplan that a magic door would open up.

IT'S OVER!

75 questions long! I was out in 1.5 hours.

Leaving out for the testing center

I am in London at my hostel. I will be leaving out to the testing center in about 30 minutes time. My test is scheduled for 11:00am. I just got through eating a simple breakfast, cornflakes with orange juice. I have an apple in my pocket to go.

I slept well last night. I share my room with three other female human bodies. I say that because I have no idea who they are. I was in my top bunk and sleep way before the rest of them returned to the room. They may or may not be there when I return. I had some concerns that I would be with a group a loud, noisy, disrespectful bunch the very eve before my exam. But everything went smoothly.

It is cold here. It is not snowing though. Last night I bought a knit hat and gloves at the local convenience store. I am layered up with two long-sleeved shirts, a fleece pullover and a thin jacket. Yesterday I felt protected outside.

There is a small part of me that wishes I had more time to see Big Ben, London Bridge, Buckingham Palace, etc. This is my third time here in England (twice in London) for business purposes that did not permit me to do any London sightseeing. I will be back of course. I will come with my family which will make it that much more enjoyable. Besides, with the little bit of time that rests I would like to do some more shopping.

I need to buy the books for the graduate nursing classes that I am taking in January. I found a book store that has at least two of them. My daughter's 10th birthday is coming up. Of course, there is Christmas.

I feel okay. I am breathing. My stomach is not hurting. My stress tends to gather in my stomach. I have prayered and positively visualized a million times over. I thank God for already passing. I see myself holding my nursing license in my hand. I see myself logged into the State's Nursing Board and I see:


MY NAME RN 4704845269

my name with my registered nurse license number listed--which means that I passed!

So far, I feel great (well not G-R-E-A-T! like Tony the Tiger, but I'm cool). Now, I have to hustle a bit to arrive there. I need to take two subway trains. Today I am not weighted down by my backpack. I just have a small portfolio that has my Authorization To Test and passport.

I found myself tearing up the evening of my departure. I stopped myself because my daughter was right next to me. I did not want her to get upset over me crying. Although there were tears of relief, I did not want to explain to her why I felt compelled to cry. It has just be such a long journey to reach this point

I was just about ready to cry on the plane, but I was too dehydrated and did not want to use up my tears right then and there :-). It is not a good idea to drink wine on a long distance flight. You get dehydrated so fast and the flight attendants do not come around fast enough with water. Nowadays you cannot bring you own water with you, so you are dependent upon them for water.

I will cry when I finish.

I have reached a place where I have placed everything in God's Hands/The Universe. I have no doubt about this. Things are working themselves out. Since I left Africa, I have not been stressed not for one moment. In fact, the way in which I left Africa told me that God has Her hands all around me (I will recount this story later).

Things have not always been perfect on this trip. For example, I got on a bus that the driver told me was going straight, but he wind up turning and I lost my sense of direction. But I did not get stressed by it. I just picked up, corrected it, and moved on. This says a lot. This is providing me with peace and a sense of knowing that everything will be just fine.

Yesterday was Thanksgiving. I was not with my family. In fact, I missed them incredibly. It must be the first Thanksgiving that I was not with my family, but I was the most THANKFUL than I have been in a great, long while.

Pray for me. Send me lots of positive energy. I am leaving out for the testing center.

A case of the jitters

On Friday, November 16, 2007, I took a sick day off from work. I have just been dragging. This is my second sick day this school year with the same type of illness. I always feel guilty—like I am not doing something that I am supposed to be doing—when I am not working. Perhaps that is because I am so used to running all the time that slowing down feels unnatural.

I was able to take advantage of the day to complete an administrative task. I was at our local police station with my husband to have my fingerprints taken for my new identity card. My husband is African and I am Black American if this fact was not flushed out in earlier blogs. We are still newlyweds having married six months ago. It feels like it has been six years already. This will permit me to travel in West Africa without paying visa fees for each country I enter as a foreigner.

Despite not studying these past few days, I do have some great news. I finally found a nursing graduate program that suits my needs. The University of Alabama at Birmingham (UAB) has an online Family Nurse Practitioner graduate nursing program. I just missed the Spring (Winter) 2008 deadline, so I will be applying for Summer 2008. However, it is possible to take classes as a non-degree graduate student prior to admission. Up to 12 credits can be taken to later transfer into the program.

It gets better! The online tuition is $200 per credit! It does not matter if you are in-state or out-of-state it is the same tuition rate. You do have to pay a $150 administration fee per on-line course. If you were to attend on campus and were out-of-state, the tuition is around $600 per credit. Having studies at a northern Big Ten school, this is a real steal.

Now having found this program makes my heart sing. My office is full of university brochures, which I have been carefully mulling over. During the last several months I have requested loads of information materials from FNP programs throughout the nation. For some odd reason, I never came across UAB. I primarily used www.allnursingschools.com as a search catalyst. Many schools are not automatically linked to request information through this website. If that were the case, then I did not pay attention to their listing.

My search criteria included:
--No GRE requirement (or a GRE waiver for applicants for high gpas. I have a 3.51) I am not interested in taking any more tests like that. After the NCLEX, the next one ---I will take will be my FNP certification boards.
--A year program (or damn close to it)
--Ideally, online.
--Flexibility with preceptorships.

I had just about settled on the University of Kansas and Penn. At UK I spoke with someone in the school of nursing and she told me about everything I wanted to hear. She said that it was a program that could be completed just about entirely online. It was a yearlong. I asked her if I returned to the States during the summer months could I complete the non-online course work and clinicals then. “Yes, of course,” she said. I was sold! This was the program for me. She made me a telephone appointment with the MSN program coordinator. Boy, this appointment date could not come fast enough.

When I spoke with the woman on the phone, I recounted my understanding of the program from my previous conversation.

“I’m sorry to disappoint you, but those are not accurate aspects of our program. You spoke to the office manager and there is a reason why she is the office manager and not the program coordinator. Our program does not work that way. In fact we have recently revamped our curriculum. It would take you at least two years of on-campus study to complete it. Are you planning on moving to Kansas? We are a state school. We have limited admission spots each year and quite frankly out-of-state students are not priority candidates. I’m sorry to sound so discouraging, but I do not believe that we are the school for you.”

Damn!

She was discouraging. She reminded me of a school of nursing admission’s office at my undergraduate university, when I was studying for my first degree. I was in the school of liberal arts and wanted to transfer to nursing. I applied and a lady followed up on my application. Long story short, I allowed her to talk me out of going to nursing school. In retrospect, I could have fought harder for what I wanted. Although I knew how to fight, I did not completely understand all the many tools at my disposal I could employ to manifest the things I desired. Life just happened to me.

She was not the first person to discourage me. The first one was my mother. “Nurses are co-dependent,” she said. “Don’t study nursing!” So, I studied liberal arts. But my desire to be a nurse never, never left me. I was constantly looking for programs, checking into information, and trying to put myself in the most appropriate path to realize this.

In the end, there is a season and a reason for everything. Things are going to work out the way they were meant to. Nine years later I found myself in the p-e-r-f-e-c-t position to study nursing. In fact, I just walked right on in to nursing school. It could not have been a better place or time to study. Plus, the tuition was affordable at $150 per credit.

So, I thought hard about the UK’s program coordinator’s comments. I questioned myself as to if this was my cue to fight or to take her comments to heart. I took her comments to heart.

Then there was Penn as a possible choice. There are no online study programs at Penn. This was an option where I would suck it up, return to the States, and study full-time for a year to complete the Pediatric Nurse Practitioner program.

The attraction to Penn was their name recognition; GRE waiver, one-year program, and the fact that the assistant dean of something important related to admissions took the time to email me to inquire about my life here in Africa (I figured that had to count for something). I wrote her a letter explaining the work I do here—at the time I worked with women and children infected by HIV and AIDS. I also posed some questions about the program. She never wrote me back.

I eventually phoned Penn to ask those questions needing those answers before moving on my application. She answered the phone. She said that she had received my letter. No courtesy apologies for not getting back to me. She answered my questions. When I spoke to her I felt like I was being “handled”. Do you know what I mean? I told her that I would be applying. I started requesting transcripts.

Weeks later I phoned the school again (just the general number) and she answered again. This lady answers all the telephone numbers! I asked to see which of any of my transcripts had arrived. She took down my email and telephone number to get back with me. If she contacted you, then she contacted me.

Earlier this week, I faxed the admission’s office a letter making the same inquiry as to transcripts received. Nothing! The same afternoon, I came to terms that I was just not feeling Penn. I was struggling with the idea of Philadelphia anyway. I could not see my daughter in Philadelphia Public Schools. That whole east coast hustle, bustle does not interest me at all. Now, I could do it if push comes to shove, but give me a choice and I will choose a more tranquil place with the option to enter the h & b from time to time.

You may say: “Well, you live in Africa!” I do. I live in a very busy, polluted, and congested city. However, my life and its exposure to the bustling capital are heavily influenced by the hours I work and where I live. I leave out early enough that we do not run into traffic. I return home either early or late enough that it is a straight shot. I rarely enter the market. My husband does the shopping and prefers I not come along. Our neighborhood is peaceful. Plus our excursions always lead us to the countryside as opposed to around town. So, my environment is predictable and controlled to a great degree.

Aside from that, I did not feel as though the folks at Penn were interested in giving me the time of day. Call it a gut feeling.

I got back on the Internet and Goggled “one year family nurse practitioner program”. FNP programs requiring one year of nursing experience came up. Not exactly what I meant, but I saw UAB and clicked on it.

I read that the program was 100% online. It takes a little over a year to complete. The GRE is required. But considering that it was 100% online, I decided that I would take the test to get in. However, in later talking with the MSN program coordinator it turns out that some information on their web page is outdated. The GRE is waived it you have at least 3.2 gpa on the last 70 credit hours of your BSN. I had missed the Spring 2008 deadline, but I could take classes as a non-degree student. The application deadline is December 20th. My application will be faxed and subsequently mailed on Monday, November 19th, 2007!

I had never even heard of UAB before now. Nevertheless, the program is fully accredited. The school is involved with many international liaisons. The University of Alabama at Birmingham is my new soon-to-be Alma matter.

So, now I just need to pass the NCLEX!

The tiny frog that could

A dear friend sent me this story as a form of encouragement. It's cute. Funny thing is that I see "tiny frogs" everyday here in Africa.

There once was a bunch of tiny frogs who arranged a running competition. The goal was to reach the top of a very high tower. A big crowd had gathered around the tower to see the race and cheer on the contestants. The race began. Honestly: No one in the crowd really believed that the tiny frogs would reach the top of the tower. You heard statements such as: "Oh way to difficult!!" "They will NEVER make it to the top." or: "Not a chance that they will succeed. The tower is too high!" The tiny frogs began collapsing. One by one, except for those who in a fresh tempo were climbing higher and higher. The crowd yell "It is too difficult!!! No one will make it!" More tiny frogs got tired and gave up. But ONE continued higher and higher and higher and higher. This one wouldn't give up! At the end everyone else had given up climbing the tower. Except for the one tiny frog who after a big effort was the only one who reached the top! Then all of the other tiny frogs naturally wanted to know how he had done it. A contestant asked the tiny frog how the one who succeeded had found the strength to reach the goal? It turned out THAT THE WINNER WAS DEAF!!!! The wisdom of the story is: Never listen to other peoples tendencies to be negative or pessimistic...cause they take your most wonderful dreams and wishes away from you. The ones you have in your heart! Always think of the power words have. Because everything you hear and read will affect your actions! Therefore always be POSTIVE and above all be DEAF when people tell you that you can not fulfil your dreams!

Lining up my ducks

My husband is traveling. His absence makes it much easier to study. He feels as though I am torturing myself and is notorious about persuading me to rest instead of study. For him, I have already passed. It is God’s will. While I agree with him, I still need to continue reviewing.

I came across blogs of nclex takers who did not study the last two weeks before the test. If I could do that, I would. I am simply not in a position to do so. I need to keep pushing forward so that I will have the material fresh in my head.

I have thought hard as to how I could best study for the last remaining two weeks. I considered Kaplan Question Bank. I have read comments on www.allnurses.com about how great it is. If you pay for the question bank by itself, be prepared to kick out $300.00 for it. I read about Mosby’s Online CAT (computer adapted test). There were raves about its ability to predict passing rates for those who eventually passed. There were also cautions by those who got those same predictions and did not pass the test. I do not think that Mosby’s Online CAT is available anymore, but if it were that might be worth the $40 or so to take a look at it. In the end, I just decided to stick with the resources I have already been using.

My 8-week NCBSN subscription expired this past Friday, November 2nd. I had been panicking trying to finish reviewing before midnight. This was simply not realistic. I made the decision to pay for another three weeks. Now I can work up until the very day of my departure.

While preparing for such a test everything else in your life is put on hold. This is not a particular luxury I have because my husband and I have some serious decisions to make as they relate to our immediate future. However, as of late everything, everything has been put on hold to accommodate this test. Nevertheless, I did make one bold step this morning by making us a necessary appointment for our plan B. The news surprised him (and pleasantly so) because he had not expected to hear anything about any moves forward until after my trip to London. My NCLEX examination is one of many moves necessary to get us in the position where we need to be.

Many of these moves are dependent on making decisions. Once my license is secured what will I do with myself? Where do I want to work? I do want to study for a MSN in Family or Pediatric Nurse Practitioner. After which, I would like to open my own clinic up here in Africa for women and children. I would also like to work in a hospital at least for a year. The big question is in which order to I want to do these things? The next question is can I afford to ponder these issues while preparing to test.

Almost there

Revising the strategy

My testing date is approaching fast! I am doing all I can to keep my nerves in check. I do not believe that I study as much as I need to between working full-time (my job is really a job and a half), family responsibilities, and the need to do something social every once in a while, I perceive that I am falling short of this idea I have as to how you are supposed to study for this test which is eat, breath, and sleep NCLEX review material and questions.

What is my new strategy? What was my old strategy? My old strategy was to answer as many questions per day as possible. “As possible” could be anything from 50-150. I am still trying to get myself up to 265. Why? Because my test could run up to that many questions and I need to have the practice of sitting for so many questions consecutively.

My new strategy (I must sound as though I am developing a war plan) is to continue with the questions, but to increase my prayers and positive visualization. Instead of taking time out just once a day to meditate, I am doing it all throughout the day.

I answered 75 questions last night on Mosby’s CD-ROM comprehensive test last night and still scored 61%. I should be at 80%. A few weeks ago I had the same score on 75 questions. I should be getting better. I cannot explain it. All I can think to do is to increase the number of questions I do and continue to pray.

I have been in numerous situations where the odds were seemingly stacked against me. I am not deterred. I have already passed this exam. I continuously visualize myself reading my nursing license with the state and board of nursing present atop, my name, license number, and relevant signatures. I hold this picture in my head. I refuse to let it go.

Faith Follies

October 26, 2008

I had a faith crisis today. I looked up and realized that November is next week and that I have 28 more days to study. Well, not really. I have 28 days until my test day. My studying ends on the 21st of November. This leaves me with 26 study days. I take a red-eye on the 21st and will not be doing any more studying once I start traveling.

The last 10 days—since I began this blog—have passed lightening fast. Twenty-eight days may seem like a long time, but knowing how fast time flies, I will be here before I know it. I am nervous but relieved to see the day approach. It is stressful being in limbo.

My crisis was marked by the fact that the day is quickly approaching. I am not feeling as prepared academically as I think I should be. I do not know what else I could be doing besides continuing to answer questions over and over again. That’s all I can do really.

My mother told me to envision my nursing license on the wall. I responded that I may actually have to physically make one up to help me envision it. So, that’s exactly what I did this afternoon. I searched the Internet for a certificate template. Not knowing what a nursing license actual looks like, I wrote what I thought it should say with a signature for the nursing board director and state governor. In my search for the name of the board director, I discovered that a nursing board really is just that—a group of nurses from multiple disciplines that comprise the state’s nursing board. The state governor appoints them to the board. So, I have all ten of my nursing licenses posted up all over the house.

My goal is to get through 265 questions tonight and another 265 questions tomorrow with Mosby’s CD-ROM.

Feeling like green glob

I am feeling like a cup of green glob—just like mush really. I am so tired. It is report card marking time and I feel stretched in a hundred different directions. Nevertheless, studying for the NCLEX has to be my number one priority.

Last night I came home beat as all get up, but I managed to do 75 questions on Mosby’s CD-ROM. I scored a 61%. What is faith? Faith is belief in things unseen. I have no proof that I am going to pass this exam with scores like this. I cannot even tell you how I am going to do it, but I am.

I log onto www.allnurses.com and open up the Student forum that focuses on NCLEX. There are many threads from members who are panicked and alarmed. Titled threads solicit advice from 2nd and 3rd time test takers. All I can say is that will not be me. I am passing. Come hell or high water, I am passing.

I have yet to have a real conversation with someone in the process of studying who is not panicked and feeling incredibly insecure.

Today I did not answer any questions. I worked very hard at work today. I skimmed through some lab values during the bus ride on the way to work. After school I stayed after very late chipping away at report card comments, parent teacher conference scheduling, and cleaning out my email inboxes. When I was done with that, my brain was simply not in the mood to answer questions. I had planned to redo the 150 questions of the pretest, but I could not concentrate enough to get past question one. So, I opted to copy and paste some of the lessons from NCBSN so that I could print them out and read at home.

There is no reading that is going to get done tonight. I can barely keep my eyes open as it is. This weekend I have to play my cards right. In that it is a major work weekend because all grades are due Monday afternoon. It is also the last weekend before my subscription expires. I have to find a way to get grades in so that they don’t swamp all of my precious uninterrupted study time.

I could probably do a random quiz of 10 questions with Mosby’s if I weren’t too tired to walk into the living room and get the power cord to my laptop. Boy, I sound pitiful tonight. Huh? It's well after midnight and I am desperately trying to squeeze in today’s studying time. However, it just does not seem to be realistic for me. The intention is there though.

Mental preparedness

I study (mostly by answering questions and reviewing rationales), but as time draws near it appears as though the majority of the work I do is mental preparation. The only other tests I have taken that had so much riding on them were a pregnancy test and an HIV test. Not wanting to be pregnant and premarital HIV counseling and testing are extremely important tests whose positive results bring about a host of consequences, but this is different. No college midterm or final can touch this. Preparation for this test feels like being pushed to the limit, the edge and hoping to find your way back again once you’ve successfully passed.

Sunday afternoon I asked my husband to take me to the airport. It is right down the street from our house. The last time I was there was when I arrived here in Mali for the first time this past January. We rode up the long road filled with billboards for cell phone companies and banks wishing us a safe trip. I studied them all. This is the route I will be taking in a month’s time when I leave on a flight London bound. “This is where you will go in,” he pointed to a building marked departures. “Where is the terminal for Air France?” I asked. “This is the terminal for all the airline companies.” I wanted to go in and see the check-in ticket counter. He said that we couldn’t unless we had a valid departing ticket dated today.

With the rest of my time, I took in the position of the baggage porters, police officers, stationed taxi drivers, and anything else of importance to lessen any potential anxiety my departure date. I have flown many times over, but navigating third world airports is always an adventure. I am to travel alone. Even if we could afford the additional tickets for my husband and daughter to accompany me, it may not be such a good idea to have them along. I would need some quite time to still my soul before testing and the both of them would create more stimuli than I would like by chattering nonstop up until the very last moment I walk into Pearson Vue. So, I suppose that it is best this way.

As we left the airport, I took in scenary along the route back home with the feeling that I have already returned from my trip. Having already passed my test, I am happy, relieved, exhausted and eager to sleep in my own bed.

My husband tells me everyday that I am going to pass. In fact, he told me that before I would allow myself to believe it. He left for a business trip this morning but promised that upon his return he would see a local African spiritual advisor to work some magic in my favor. I often tease him about his belief in such things, but I do not mind the magic these days.

To be honest, and I have mentioned this before, I believe that the magic is already done. I truly feel as though I have already passed this test. My sense of knowing has nothing to do with my husband’s upcoming appointment, as it has to do with believing that this it is my destiny to pass this test in London. Passing unfolds a world of numerous opportunities that are just waiting for me to tie up my loose ends, like RN licensure.

I plan to work as a nurse practitioner with my own clinic here in Africa for women and children. The need is so great. I have already begun the application process for graduate nursing programs for next fall.

Too tired to study

I did not go to the cyber café to study this evening. This was not the smartest thing to do—skip out on a night’s studying considering that my NCBSN 8-week subscription is valid only until November 2nd (the same evening as parent-teacher conferences). I ordered it back in September, but only recently have I kicked it in high gear by studying regularly with this online program. I wasted some of my weeks because I do not have Internet at home so I have to either stay after work or make special trips to the local cyber café, which is extremely hot and filled with mosquitoes. Plus, I have had some challenges with the user-friendliness of the program.

Just getting through the pre-test was a drama in and of itself. The very first time I took it, I accidentally hit the “back” key and that totally erased my test and answers. There was no way that I could retrieve my answers. I had to start completely over. The pre-test is 150 questions, so I had to leave it for another day.

Second time around, I logged on and saw a message about maintenance scheduled. I was at a cyber café and thought that the message was related to the computer I was working on. On shared computers weird things always pop up. You learn to ignore them. The third time it popped up I realized that the program itself was going to shut off because of scheduled maintenance to start in less than an hour. I was on number 30 with 120 questions to go. What luck? Since I had already made the effort to leave the house, I decided to stay and answer questions until the program forced me off. I do not remember what number it stopped on but I did not get to finish the pre-test that day.

On my third attempt, I made it through all 150 questions but the feedback report would not generate. The window was just frozen. The program did tell me that I scored around 50-something%, but the opportunity to view the report that lists those questions I answered correctly and those I answered wrong with rationales was lost. I had to redo the test again. This would have to be another day.

I finally did get through the test on my fourth attempt, but not because I retook all of it. I tried as best I could to recheck the answers from the first, second, and third attempts so that I could generate the feedback report, but I was tired. In the end, I just wound up checking any answers to get through the 150 questions. This time my score improved to 64%. I obviously did better with random guessing. This time I got the report.

This was actually the last time that I tested and a percentage was calculated. Since that time I have just been constantly answering questions. There is no post-test that I can take as a measurement of progress. Although, over the weekend I am going to take the time to do Mosby’s Comprehensive Review CD-ROM which has two comprehensive tests, 1 and 2. They are 265 questions each. I will take test 1 on Saturday and test 2 on Sunday. That should give me some indication as to where I fall percentage wise.

As far as NCBSN, I went from the pre-test to answering the questions in the back of the lessons. I skipped the lessons. Don’t worry. Before my subscription is over, I will go through them all. I just wanted to get straight down to the business of answering questions. I have made it through all the questions with the exceptions of Pharmacology 1 and 2, as well as Alternative Type questions. I have a 75-minute prep period tomorrow in which I am going to attempt to answer both 40-question long Pharmacology sections (that’s a total of 80 questions). I will tell you this: my speed has increased. That does not mean that I get them correct 100% of the time, but I am reading questions and answering options faster than I was before. The other night at the cyber café I finished a 40-question section in 30 minutes.

Another reason why I have skipped the lessons is that I have a hard time reading on the computer. No, it’s not an eye thing. I would prefer to print something out and read it off of paper. On the paper I highlight, make side notes, circle and connect key concepts and phrases. I make the content my own. With this program printing out lesson sections is not easy, so plan to spend some serious time with your computer in order to get through it.

I will not allow myself to feel guilty about not going because I am exhausted. I am doing the very best I can. I came in immediately from work and hit the bed. Last week was particularly challenging for me at work. We had a broken arm and a lice outbreak in both elementary and middle schools. A fourth grade student fell out of tree and break her wrist. I immobilized her wrist (a NCLEX practice question that I remembered, good common sense too), packed it in ice, and whisked her off to the best possible clinic available. Once the cast was set, I phoned her parents to tell them about using a blow dryer on a cool setting to relieve itching and to watch for swollen and redden fingers (another NCLEX study question). She came back to the school sporting her new cast and arm sling thanking everyone that saved her life. She's such a joyous student. Now, climbing the trees are forbidden during recess.

Then the next day when an accreditation inspector was visiting, we had a lice outbreak. So, the for the rest of the week I found myself systematically going from class-to-class checking student's heads. We have a small school (about 130 students) so this much excitement in one week had the whole campus abuzz.

This week is promising to be just as challenging because it is the last week of the first quarter. Report card grades are due next Monday.

To top it off my computer recently crashed and I lost all my grades that I had registered in my electronic grade book. So, I have to start all over from scratch entering each assignment and corresponding grade manually one at a time.

I wonder if nursing is like teaching. We are so overworked and underpaid. I could literally live in my classroom around the clock and there would still be things to do. It is a job that is never finished. Most days I have to force myself to go home. When my spirits are low I fantasize about my work life as a full-time nurse.Call it the grass is always greener syndrome perhaps. It is more than that really. I sacrificed a lot to get a second-degree bachelor’s in nursing and I am looking forward to working in my field. My test next month is the final step on a very long journey.

I am the preschool, middle school language arts, high school Spanish teacher, and school nurse. I am also a wife, mother, and NCLEX candidate for next month.

Studying: getting the kinks out

My studying routine seems to be glancing at study materials throughout the work day when time permits. I currently work as an educator that offers nursing skills and knowledge every once in a while. So, you can imagine that this does not leave me with an excess of time during the day. I return home at 4pm and unwind. During this time I will intermittently review my written materials like Saunders and Mosby's. I find something to eat and head out to the internet cafe to study with the online NCSBN course. I am usually there from 8-11pm.

I come home exhausted, but my brain is still ticking racing through terms and concepts recently reviewed. Sometimes I feel as though I could continue to study throughout the night, but my ability to concentrate is compromised at this point and I sleep because I have to wake up at 6am the next day.

My anxiety levels about the test have chilled immensely. Just a few weeks ago I was a nervous wreck. I contacted former classmates who passed the exam ions ago for advice. One shared with me that she started studying one month in advance and did 100 questions and studied their rationales per day (I am up to 80 questions and per day). I was freaking out because I have been studying on and off since June and it appeared as though no matter how much I studied, I was still getting answers wrong--lots of them (50-60% correct). Often times, I would get the answer correct on my second guess. This would result because I would look at the correct answer (meaning it was my first choice) and then talk myself out of it and choose another one which was wrong. However, sometimes the "go with your first choice" technique does not yield the correct answer.

Aside from my low self-study scores, my anxiety was compounded by the fact that I simply cannot afford to NOT pass this test. There is so much riding on it. First of all, I am currently working in Africa (a story which I will expound upon at another time). I have to fly to London--an international test center--to take the test. They do not offer the test in any African country at this time. I could've flown back home to the States to take it, however three things quickly influenced that decision:

One, it is cheaper to fly to Europe from Africa than to the USA. I do not think that flying to New York is too badly priced, but I would be subsequently flying to the Midwest which increases the budget immensely. Secondly, I only have a limited about of time off of work. I am testing over the Thanksgiving Day weekend. Fortunately, that is not a special holiday in England so scheduling during that time was no problem. The distance between London and West Africa is shorter. I can get in and out quickly. Thirdly, I am not crossing time zones. They are on the same time zone. Meaning that my international jet lag will be greatly minimized and will greatly contribute to better testing conditions.

So, I am paying to take the test like everyone else, $200. I am also paying an extra $166 to take the test at an international testing site--that's $150 plus the Value Added Tax (VAT). My flight cost $1,200 round trip into London Heathrow. There are costs associated with my stay at a youth hostel, airport transfers, public transportation, and food. The British pound is 2:1 to the American dollar--I will pay double for everything once there. As you can see this is not a cheap test! It is not in my best interest to come away anything less than a RN.

However nowadays my anxiety levels have lowered considerably. Why? I just know that I am going to pass!

I have been doing a lot of positive visualization. During the time that I unwind from work each evening, I take some moments to lie down on my bed and imagine how my trip will unfold. I think about the airplane landing, going through immigration, walking through the terminal, looking for baggage claim, finding a bus into town, locating my hostel and checking in, and how I will spend that first day relaxing and calming my nerves (I fly arrive on Thursday morning and test on Friday). The morning of my arrival I will sleep once, having taken a red-eye in, once I'm settled. Then I plan to take the "tube", their subway system, to the testing center. I may even walk in and introduce myself. Then, I will eat dinner--my lone Thanksgiving Day dinner--and return to my hostel in preparation for tomorrow's test. I will do no studying throughout this whole time.

I envision myself entering the testing center the following day. My appointment is at 11:00am. I see myself at the computer reading questions, clicking away. I am not anxious. I may be challenged by the questions, but I am not stressed. The computer cuts off at 75! The screen turns white and blinks a bit before informing me that my test is over. I head out to a traditional British pub to celebrate.

I continue this positive visualization day after day. It has helped incredibly to calm my nerves. I have done it so many times that it really feels as though I have already passed the test. So much so, that the studying I am doing now feels like I am just going through the motions (fulfilling my end of a contract), but I have definitely already passed.

This is not to say that I do not get frustrated while studying. I do, especially when I get problems wrong. Sometimes I get them wrong simply because I did not read the question correctly. For example, the question may read that "the client is in need of further instruction if s/he states . . ." In my haste, I choose an answer that reflects a correct understanding of the condition or medication regimen while overlooking the fact that I should have chosen the false-negative response. So, it is little things like that that frustrate me. Fortunately, this is something that I can work on with myself if I just slow down and learn to READ the question before jumping quickly to answer it.

I also know that I have several weak subject areas like pharmacology and delegation. In my haste to tackle as many questions as possible--I am still trying to work myself up to 100 questions a day like my former classmate--I keep putting off reviewing these subject areas. I know that I have to take time to get these subjects in my head.

Additionally, I feel as though there is a significant difference in the types of questions I see in Saunders and Mosby's and those with the online NCSBN course. The NCSBN course questions are definitely harder. It's good though. However, sometimes it seems as those the rationales depending on the review material differ. I can get accustomed to reading and applying Saunders rationales throughout my practice--like avoiding answers that use the word "only" or going for the "global umbrella answer", but when I practice with NCSBN the reasoning behind the rationales differ slightly. Does that make sense to you? It is almost like getting used to the household rules of one family and then moving to another with a totally different setup. Of course, nursing is still nursing but it is the slight nuiances like that that can trip you up on some questions.