Mental preparedness

I study (mostly by answering questions and reviewing rationales), but as time draws near it appears as though the majority of the work I do is mental preparation. The only other tests I have taken that had so much riding on them were a pregnancy test and an HIV test. Not wanting to be pregnant and premarital HIV counseling and testing are extremely important tests whose positive results bring about a host of consequences, but this is different. No college midterm or final can touch this. Preparation for this test feels like being pushed to the limit, the edge and hoping to find your way back again once you’ve successfully passed.

Sunday afternoon I asked my husband to take me to the airport. It is right down the street from our house. The last time I was there was when I arrived here in Mali for the first time this past January. We rode up the long road filled with billboards for cell phone companies and banks wishing us a safe trip. I studied them all. This is the route I will be taking in a month’s time when I leave on a flight London bound. “This is where you will go in,” he pointed to a building marked departures. “Where is the terminal for Air France?” I asked. “This is the terminal for all the airline companies.” I wanted to go in and see the check-in ticket counter. He said that we couldn’t unless we had a valid departing ticket dated today.

With the rest of my time, I took in the position of the baggage porters, police officers, stationed taxi drivers, and anything else of importance to lessen any potential anxiety my departure date. I have flown many times over, but navigating third world airports is always an adventure. I am to travel alone. Even if we could afford the additional tickets for my husband and daughter to accompany me, it may not be such a good idea to have them along. I would need some quite time to still my soul before testing and the both of them would create more stimuli than I would like by chattering nonstop up until the very last moment I walk into Pearson Vue. So, I suppose that it is best this way.

As we left the airport, I took in scenary along the route back home with the feeling that I have already returned from my trip. Having already passed my test, I am happy, relieved, exhausted and eager to sleep in my own bed.

My husband tells me everyday that I am going to pass. In fact, he told me that before I would allow myself to believe it. He left for a business trip this morning but promised that upon his return he would see a local African spiritual advisor to work some magic in my favor. I often tease him about his belief in such things, but I do not mind the magic these days.

To be honest, and I have mentioned this before, I believe that the magic is already done. I truly feel as though I have already passed this test. My sense of knowing has nothing to do with my husband’s upcoming appointment, as it has to do with believing that this it is my destiny to pass this test in London. Passing unfolds a world of numerous opportunities that are just waiting for me to tie up my loose ends, like RN licensure.

I plan to work as a nurse practitioner with my own clinic here in Africa for women and children. The need is so great. I have already begun the application process for graduate nursing programs for next fall.